Good Job, OK?

 

This post is part of The Peaceful Housewife's Natural Parenting Blog Party.


Dionna at Code Name: Mama and Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama recently wrote two fabulous posts. Dionna discussed 7 Alternatives to Telling Your Child "Good Job!" and Jennifer talked about The OK Phenomena, two very interesting issues in the world of parenting. I loved each post because they gave fantastic alternatives and explanations as to why these are bad habits to fall into and difficult to overcome. As I read both of these posts, I thought to myself, "Self, I'm glad I don't do these things. Looks like I'm on the right track." Unfortunately, something happened that I did not intend (I sound like I'm in Lord of the Rings here, but let's go with it).

The same way that psychology students suddenly have every mental disorder they study, I started unintentionally saying "OK?" at the end of my sentences and "Good job!" where I never have before! How could something like this happen to me, a person who is normally so conscious of what she says and how she says it, especially to her children? I don't read posts about not spanking children and then subsequently spank them; I don't read articles about how bad high fructose corn syrup is and then give it to my children, so why this? What made these two articles different?

First I must say that I have great respect both for Dionna (who does a million things and still manages to be a mother) and Jennifer (who is so sweet and insightful she is sure to make anyone feel good) and I consistently enjoy their thoughts on each of their respective pages. I completely absolve them of all responsibility; my actions are my own.

I think that when I read these articles, I suddenly became so conscious of the words they mentioned that they kept floating to the surface in my brain when I was speaking. I was trying so hard not to say them that they were all I could say. Well obviously I wasn't going to entertain this manner of speaking when it naturally opposed how I normally try to speak, so I needed to make some quick changes before these words became part of my new vocabulary.

First, I consciously cleared my mind every time I wanted to say, "Good job!" or "OK?" I also do this in place of saying, "No!" too hastily (and will post about all that eventually) and I find it to be fairly effective for myself. Purposely pausing before saying anything can really make a difference.

I've also started to twist the words around or use a substitute word. Sometimes when I want to say, "OK?" I say, "Understand?" instead. While that may not be any better, it has helped me to not make ending every statement with a question as if I don't know what I'm talking about. When I say, "Understand?" it falls clumsily out of my mouth and makes me not want to say anything.

Even though Dionna gives a list of what to say or not say instead of "Good job!", I've started to come up with my own creative ways of saying something positive in place of the generic. Sure, sometimes I might just say, "Yay!" or "That was great!", but I also tell whoever it is that that was a really nice thing to do, it made so and so very happy. I'll also say things like, "Look what you did!" in a way to help initiate pride in my child.

I will never stop trying to be a better parent. That means I will never stop reading articles, posts or comments that will help me change positively. I know that sometimes I may take a step or two back, but as long as I keep thinking creatively and focus on the action I am trying to change, I can achieve anything.

My Body, My Temple

This post is part of The Peaceful Housewife's Natural Parenting Blog Party.


For the past 3 years, I have been either pregnant or nursing (or both). Though this has been a time-consuming experience, I believe I am immensely blessed to have been able to nourish two other life-forms continuously for so long. I thank my body every day for the work it has done to ensure the health of both of my children, but it has been a long time since I knew my body as only my own.

My original goal for each child I would have was to nurse for a year and then take it from there. My belief was that the child would self-wean when desired and that would be it. Unfortunately, that did not work out with my first daughter who was forced to wean when my milk ran out during pregnancy. I think she was looking for milk, not colostrum, so the day it was no longer what she wanted was the last day she nursed. She cried and I felt like a failure. It was because of the anguish I felt at not being able to nurse her for at least a full year that my resolve to nurse her sibling as long as possible was strengthened.

When my second bundle was born, I knew what to do. I pumped excess when I could and froze it so that I would always have enough. I made sure to nurse her frequently, she slept with me, and when I went back to work part-time, I pumped (something I did not do previously). I also made sure to drink water consistently all day long and eat as many times a day as I could remember. Whatever I did, it worked and I have successfully nursed her past 1 year.

Last Easter

Now that my goal has been met, I feel a little odd. I have been allowing her to have control over the nursing relationship and with that control, she has gone down to nursing only once a day, in the morning when she wakes. It has been very gradual, getting to this point, but it brings the close of this relationship into light. I know that it is only a matter of time before I am no longer providing nutrition for her and though I prepare myself for it every day, I still have very mixed feelings. I look forward to having my body belong solely to me again, but I also feel like maybe I didn't try hard enough to keep nursing, knowing that the full benefit of breast milk extends well into the second year.

Whatever happens, whenever it happens, I will work with it. My body is my temple and I have been fortunate enough to share it with two children, giving myself to them the way mothers have for centuries. When this second nursing experience concludes, I will still be a mother. I will still make breakfast, change diapers and focus my energy on things that matter. Though my temple will no longer be physically open to rejuvenate the stomach, it will still serve as a place of worship, a place with welcoming, open arms and a place where each child can go to receive comfort and stability. 

Hoffman Week, Day 1: Writing Skills

For day one of Hoffman Week, I focus on my writing skillz (and yes, it is that way on purpose). If this were an assignment, I might call it a reflection paper or a journal. Technically, I might also include it in the current Natural Parenting Blog Party, but I don't wanna push it. :)

The Essence of a Sleeping Child

I wish I had your face of peace. Your lips have never spoken an unkind word while mine have said many things that could be taken back. Your brow floats atop a sea of perfect skin while mine furrows and bends with worry, thoughts and concerns. Your closed eyes have not yet seen death, sadness, injustice or tragedy, while when I close mine sometimes that is all I see. When you sleep, you leave the physical realm and journey deep into your beautiful unconsciousness, commune with your higher self and refresh for your awakening. When I sleep, I don’t want to wake up.

Heidi as a newborn.

When do we lose our sleeping peace? Is it when we start working, suddenly have money to handle and the weight of the world falls on our shoulders? Is it when we enter high school and find out firsthand just how cruel humans can be to one another? Or is it when we first become aware that the world we entered into isn’t perfect, that we are surrounded by flawed, imperfect people who impart their personal conflicts upon us?

Surely, you are wondering how this childhood peace can be recaptured and once again sleep (and live) in tranquility. What is the simplest way to do this? Learn by doing; be at peace.

Make peace with your debt; it won’t be with you when you’re dead. Make peace with the naysayers because they don’t cry when you’re sad. Make peace with yourself. You weren’t designed to be perfect and you never will be; It’s best to just accept it.

What is the essence of a sleeping child? A sleeping child is peaceful because she has no belongings to weigh her down. A sleeping child does not concern herself with what other people are saying because it does not serve her higher purpose. A sleeping child is perfect because she is not trying to be.

Piper - about 3 months old.

Let go of everything in your life that does not bring you peace. Focus on the image of serene slumber and let it be your mantra. Think peace.

Namaste.

I Do Bad Things When My Children Are Sleeping

This post is part of The Peaceful Housewife's Natural Parenting Blog Party.

First of all, when my children go to bed or take a nap, I watch TV. This is bad because I normally limit their television viewing to less than 2 hours every day and most days they do not watch TV at all. However, as soon as they are in bed for sure, I pop on that set and let my brain soften, muscles relax and eyes gloss over. Then I turn on my laptop and slip into full vegetative mode.

Next, I eat things that I will not normally eat in front of my children, like potato chips or ice cream. Sometimes I eat a whole ‘second dinner.’ And where do I eat this food, you ask? I eat it in front of the television, while I’m on my laptop! Sometimes I drink juice or iced tea and when I’m really, really bad, I drink soda! Are you gasping yet? I am! Especially since I still consider myself to be a natural parent.

What’s wrong with this picture? Well, very simply, I have habits that I have maintained for most of my life and though I have worked to remove them, some are more difficult than others. I still like to watch TV every now and then, especially at night because it helps me unwind. I’m also slightly attached to my computer, mainly because it is very often the sole source of intellectual communication that I have. At the very least, I try to maintain composure around my children to prevent bad habits from forming in them.

The only reason that I have curtailed my own screen time and changed my eating habits is because of them. I was always fairly conscious about my nutritional intake, but I did not eat nearly as many organic items as I do now. Plus, I also forced myself to eat things I never used to like (beans) because I knew they were good for me and I wanted my children to grow up familiar with them. As far as screen time is concerned, I’ve actually grown to dislike having the TV on all the time because it actually makes me antsy after a while, not to mention the fact that there is hardly anything worth watching on it anyway.

While my children have had a very positive influence on my life, I still have some things I need to iron out in order to be a better role model. I figure I have quite a bit of time, though, since they do still take naps *crossing fingers* and it will be a number of years before they go to bed closer to the time I head off to sleep. And if I never change (which I doubt), they will simply have to live with the fact that I’m not perfect, something I’m sure they know anyway.

Five Things I Do with My Children Instead of Watching TV

This post is part of The Peaceful Housewife's Natural Parenting Blog Party.

I want to have children, not zombies so I limit the amount of television we watch during the day. If we watch anything, it is usually a movie within the confines of the 2 hour per day limit set by the American Academy of Pediatrics. Most of the time, my children play uninterrupted, but when I pause to interact with them, here are some of the things I do.  

Look out the Window: Both of my daughters love looking out the window. It provides a seemingly endless array of opportunities for learning and quiet observation. There is always something interesting to point out to them or just something to reinforce. We watch people walking different kinds of dogs, adults carrying groceries, children playing and whatever nature has in store.

Heidi mopping the floor.

Use My Child as a Mop: Heidi loves to move, as most toddlers do, and has recently taken to dancing with assistance. When she doesn’t want to do that, I slide her all over the floor either on her butt or on a blanket. Naturally, I do this in the kitchen and not on our carpeted floors and I try not to pull on Heidi’s arms too much. Instead, I use her butt or the blanket she’s on as a propellant and she slides easily all over the floor. I get tired of doing this long before she does, but at least I know she’s receiving attention from me, getting exercise and feeling connected to me all at once.

Sing a Song: And while you’re at it, dance! Heidi loves to sing, mostly gibberish, but occasionally she’ll throw some real words in there. Very often she will simply sing “sing a song” over and over again and I usually join her. At times when all else has failed and she needs to be redirected from something she’s doing, I will “sing a song” to get her attention and return her to a happy, playful mood. Singing leads to dancing, which often leads to the above mopping. All of these things take up a good portion of our day.

Run Around in Circles: The first floor of our apartment is essentially a circle; the living room is open to both the dining room and kitchen, which surround the laundry room. As you might imagine, this presents a perfect opportunity for running, chasing and playing peek-a-boo. When all else fails, I instigate a chase and let her get some good running in, followed by some sort of quiet activity. Piper even gets in on the action crawling as fast as she can (since she’s not yet up to running) after whoever is closest to her. This often turns in to quite the family activity and is much more fun than watching TV.

Go Upstairs: When I need to put a lot of clothes away or do something else that requires my attention upstairs, I take H & P with me. I put the gate up so they can’t go down the stairs and I let them run back and forth between their rooms, playing with toys they don’t normally play with during the day. It also offers them a change of scenery, something that is especially important when we cannot go outside.

Naturally, we do many, many other things while not watching television, but most of them are things you’ve already read about. I try to get creative (when inspiration strikes me) to keep them more interested in using their minds than being mindless so as I think of more interesting things to do, I will be sure to share them with you.

Natural Parenting Blog Party, Day 1!

For Day 1 of the Natural Parenting Blog Party, we have the option to answer a few questions about ourselves. If you care to know, here are mine. :)

1. How many children do you have, and how old are they?

I have two girls who are 2 and 1.

2. Do you have a partner, or are you a single parent?

I'm married, but some days it feels as though I'm a single parent. :)

3. What are your “hot button” parenting issues?

While many issues are so important to me, the one I find most difficult to deal with is the idea of self-fulfilling prophecy. I could go on forever desperately trying to explain how imperative it is to watch what you say to your children, how you say it and especially how you talk about your children in their presence, but I find the best thing I can do is make sure that I monitor my own words with regards to my own children.
 
4. Have you made any parenting choices that you didn’t think you would make before you were a parent, i.e. cloth diapering a child when you had previously thought it was disgusting?

There are a lot of things I never thought about before I became a parent. One that is coming to mind is circumcision because even though I didn't have to make that choice, had I had a boy, I would have had him circumcised without a second thought. I never thought about baby wearing or co-sleeping either, but I am eternally glad I was not afraid to learn.

5. Is there one book or person in particular that’s heavily influenced your parenting choices?

Honestly, I haven't read any parenting books. The book that has had the most influence over my entire life, and ultimately over the way I parent, is The Tao of Pooh. 
 
6. If you had to describe each of your children using only one word, what word would you use?

Heidi = Adventurous
Piper = Love
 
7. Is there one parenting decision that you regret more than others and wish you could change?

I think what I wish most is that I did more research when I was actually pregnant with Heidi, rather than after she was born. I *regret* her birth and her sister's birth and many of the things I did with Heidi as an infant (not making my own "baby food,"not starting her on real solids sooner, not co-sleeping...). 
 
8. Is there an area of your parenting you wish you were better at?

I'm very patient, but sometimes I still have a temper and I still yell. I'd like to stop that. 
 
9. Now for the fun questions – is there one particular food or type of food that you could eat every day?

I love artichokes and salad. I would eat them any time, anywhere, any day.
 
10. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate?

It's funny that is was chocolate my whole life, but recently I'd rather eat vanilla :)
 
11. What’s your guilty pleasure?

Uh..Facebook?
 
12. If you could be part of any television show, which show would it be?

Rather than a TV show, I'd be a part of Lord of the Rings, Star Wars (the original ones) and/or Harry Potter :)