Sometimes, You Need to Sit Down to Eat

Mornings are busy. I'm sure there isn't one among you who feels differently. If you're working, getting kids to school or going to appointments, you might find taking the time to eat breakfast yourself takes a back seat. I was reminded of the importance of this the other day, though when in my morning rush, I finally stopped to savor the moment.

I always eat breakfast because I know how important it is and because I want to set that kind of example for H & P. During the week, I eat standing up. I get H & P's food first, sit them at the table and then go about doing a million "important" things. Dishes are always bugging me so I'm usually washing them while they eat. I might be also preparing Heidi's lunch for "school" and I'm probably not dressed yet. I need to change Piper's diaper, make the beds and make sure I have all the right books and notes I need. If I'm working, I'm making sure that lunch is available for them along with snacks, diapers are all set out and everything is relatively clean. All of these things take up so much time and I'm working at them with children hanging all over me saying "Pick?! Pick?!"

The other day was different. Heidi barely touched her breakfast and while Piper ate more of hers, I wasn't satisfied. I actually got to sit down in my chair to eat mine, but they had been long gone from the table by then. I decided I wanted Heidi to eat so I went over to her chair, sat down, put her on my lap and fed her. And she ate.

She ate because I was actually present with her instead of washing the "important" dishes. She ate because I was taking the time to feed her, hold her on my lap and let her know that it was important for her to eat. Most importantly was just that I took the time.

I've been letting other things get in the way of spending real time with my children in the morning. That is not to say that I do not spend any time with them at all and in fact, I habitually drop things that I'm doing to go and just sit with them on the couch for a few minutes. But since I value breakfast so much, I need to make more of an effort to make it a meal.

Every other meal we eat, we all sit down at the table, without fail. Breakfast should not be an exception. Dishes can wait. Clothing can *sort of* wait. They can't. They are watching me every moment, using me as a gauge for their own future behavior and this is not something I want them to repeat.

I had my reality check the other day and I'm listening. If nothing else, I will eat three meals a day, at a table, with my children.

The Art of Distraction

Welcome to the September Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Through Play

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how challenging discipline situations can be met with play. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Having children spaced 15 months apart has taught me a number of things, not the least of which is how important distraction can be. Instead of yelling, screaming or harshly disciplining my children in the midst of a brawl I offer a diversion for one or both of them. Not only does this work during a disagreement between them, but it also helps in other situations where patience may be hard to come by. Here is a list of ways that I distract my children playfully and the situations best suited to each technique.

Toys: Of course, this one is fairly easy. Many tears are shed over the lack of sharing of a toy and I am often called in as reinforcement. Depending on the situation, I may determine that one child or the other is going to take a turn to play with the toy, leaving the other child wanting for something. If it’s Piper, I usually look for the closest interesting thing be it another toy or a book and I will engage her in play with it in a way she is not necessarily used to. At other times, I will hold her and take her with me as I finish whatever I’m doing and she will usually forget about whatever problem she was experiencing.

If it’s Heidi, I will go through some elaborate questioning to determine what aspect of the toy she was most interested in and what other toy I can find for her that will meet that need. Within a matter of moments of actual conversation, I can usually change her mood completely. If I don’t find a toy that she is interested in, I’ll run through a long list of whatever items I can think of, making them sillier as I go on. That’s a sure fire way to bring a smile.

Actions: In some cases, I can distract Heidi by asking her to show Piper how to do something, rather than, say, dumping a bucket of water over her head. Alternatively, I can ask her to jump up and down, run in a circle, or perform some other action that physically changes whatever she was previously doing. Short of physically removing her from a situation, this is often the best way to help her modify her behavior while still allowing her to output all the intense energy she has. Thus, I like to do this when she is engaging in some sort of physical action that is less than pleasurable for another person (usually Piper) as it is often the fastest way to change.

“Hey, look at that!”: This is probably the best distracter of them all, one that has been used for eons in every situation imaginable. I was recently blessed by having my husband’s cats return to our residence after a nine month hiatus at my father-in-law’s house and have since used every opportunity that you can think of to say, “Hey, look! There’s Hagen!” or “Where’s Ccino?” So far, I have had about a 100% success rate with this method whereas saying “Look at the clouds!” or “Look at the train!” is not always fool-proof. At least these particular animals are good for something.

Singing: When all else fails, sing. For real. I find this to be most effective in the car, but it also helps at very odd times like in the bathtub, downtime during the day and waiting in the doctor’s office/waiting room. Singing is actually the only way I was able to make the last 20 minutes of my recent trips home in peace because Piper had finally had enough of sitting in the car and refused to go unnoticed any longer. I sang ‘Twinkle, Twinkle’ at least 10 times in a row (because if I stopped, she immediately started crying again) and all was right with the world. I have also made up a song for each of them that I will often revert to when I cannot think of anything else to sing, but that doesn’t always work very well. I’m working on adding more variety to my repertoire.

In most cases where behavior is ill-timed or unwelcome from a child, taking a different perspective is all one really needs to do in order to change it. Getting a little creative with parenting does require more work than simply reacting to a situation, but the results are clear: your children will be happier. If you can use the art of distraction just a few times each day instead of the automatic yell or stern tone, you’ll notice it really isn’t difficult at all and it will be second nature in no time. Go ahead, distract away.

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• On being a more playful parent — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares how the Playful Parenting book impacted her.
• Parenting a toddler through play — Alicia at I Found My Feet lists some examples of how she uses play to parent through everyday tasks and challenges.
• Splashing in Puddles — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares how she learned to get dirty and have fun with her little boy.
• Say Please — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life explains how they taught their son manners by "play," showing that actions speak louder than words.
• No Nanny Needed — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life wishes parenting through play was her only responsibility during the day.
• I'll Run Away With Gypsies — Nikalee at Spotted Pandemonium maneuvers physical and emotional obstacles while spinning playful tales, jumping through hoops, and inspiring the kids to clean the living room.
• A Promise To My Daughter — Lindsey at An Unschooling Adventure writes a poem for her daughter promising to use play instead of anger when facing difficult situations.
• Parenting Through Play — Not Always Easy But Always Rewarding — Amy at Peace4Parents discusses how play hasn't always come easily to her, the power of appreciative observation, and how her family learns together through play.
• Imagination Plays a Role in Our Parenting — Tree at Mom Grooves shares how parents can use play to set the foundation for communication and understanding.
• A Box of Crayons — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction talks about how a simple box of crayons has become a wonderful parenting and teaching tool.
• The Essential Art of Play — Ana at Pandamoly shares some of her favorite lessons available for young ones through play.
• The Art of Distraction — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a list of distracting alternatives to harsh punishments in tough parenting situations.
• Grace and Courtesy Games at Home or School — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now has ideas for grace and courtesy games that help you encourage courteous behavior without reprimanding your child.
• I am woman, hear me roar! — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares how one simple sound can diffuse an argument in an instant.
• Getting Cooperation Through Play — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about respecting the worldview of a preschooler by using play to encourage connection and cooperation.
• Playful Parenting = Extra Energy?? — Momma Jorje didn't think she had the energy for playful parenting. See what she was surprised to learn…
• Dance Party Parenting — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen learned how to be the parent her children need through play.
• Wrestling Saved My Life — Wrestling is as vital to her son's well-being as babywearing once was, finds Hannah at Wild Parenting.
• Parenting through play — By playing with her children, Tara from MUMmedia is given amazing opportunites to teach, train and equip her children for life.
• Parenting Through Play Starts in Infancy — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Issa from LoveLiveGrow shares that though she only has a 3-month-old, playful parenting has already started.
• Play Before Sleep — Adrienne at Mommying My Way writes about how playing and singing with her son before he falls asleep helps calm her frustrations that tend to arise at night.

• Playful Parenting — Or 5 Lessons My Son Has Taught Me About Parenting Through Play — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama has learned to be a better parent by following her toddler's lead in play.
• Hurry up! Hurry up! I mean it! Quack, quack, quack! — Kellie at Our Mindful Life leads a trail of ducklings
• On the Road: Learning to Play — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers her inner adult through a summer of playing with her children.
• Preventing Tantrums Through Play — Gaby at Tmuffin explains how she keeps her household happy by not taking things too seriously.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Through Play — Lily, aka Witch Mom, redirects unwanted behavior in a toddler using games and play.
• Exaggerating for effect — Lauren at Hobo Mama has learned how to ham it up.
• Handling Big Emotions with Role Playing — Zoie at TouchstoneZ plays at tempering her parental frustrations while helping her children handle some big emotions
• How To Herd Toddlers by Talking Pictorially — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama demonstrates how talking in pictures is a playful way to engage your young child in transitioning from one activity to the next.
• Getting a Toddler to Go Where You Want…Playfully — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how a game of hide-and-seek can be used to steer a wandering toddler in the direction of her choosing.
• Playful Parenting: Chores That Do Themselves — Remember chores when you were a kid? If chores were this fun for Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey, she wouldn't have needed any reminders!
• Clown School Express: Playing away Fears — MudpieMama describes how she helped her boys confront their fears about starting kindergarten by playing with trains.
• Practicing Playful Parenting — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle realizes that playfulness is the best way through the day and seeks more ways to practice it.
• Today, Tomorrow and Every Day — Starr at Taking Time addresses her children in a letter sharing with them how improtant it is that they spend their childhood playing.
• Learning Through Immersion — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares how she helps her daughter develop naturally without focusing on teaching, but rather by immersing her in their family's way of life and making her an active part of her environment.
• Play Here Now — Jessica at Instead of Institutions learns and relearns and tries to remember the value of play.
• Play: A Wonderful Parenting Tool — Mamapoekie from Authentic Parenting offers a list of examples on how to use play in real-life parenting situations.
• Playful Parenting — a Book Review — Erica at ChildOrganics shares simple yet sage advice from Dr. Cohen on how play can change your child's life.
• Mock Threats: Turning Real Frustration into Playful Parenting — Threatening is not an effective discipline strategy, but Dionna at Code Name: Mama explains how parents can turn their frustration into playful moments by making "mock threats."
• I'm Sick of Yelling — I Want to Play — Alicia at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts realizes she needs to change the way she's parenting and is forming a new plan.
• Sing-along, Brush-along Songs — Shana at Tales of Minor Interest shares a few songs to make brushing her three-year-old's teeth more fun.
• Monster Voice — Ever have those frustrating moments with your kid(s) when you just want to scream? Amy at Anktangle shares a silly strategy for getting through those difficult times.

I Don't Like What I See

Not so long ago, one of the pages I follow on Facebook posted a question to her fans. She wondered if they had done things differently with each of their children (if they had more than one) and whether or not they notice a difference in the children. She specifically referenced things like babywearing, breastfeeding, cry-it-out and co-sleeping and their reverse counterparts, most of which I have duel experiences with. This question really got me thinking and as a result, I don't like what I see.

First, let me give you some background information.

• I nursed Heidi for 10 1/2 months until I no longer made milk due to pregnancy with Piper. Piper nursed for 14 months.

• Despite Heidi breastfeeding for most of the first year of her life, she started sleeping through the night before she was 2 months old. At the time, it never occurred to me for her to sleep with me because she slept all night in her crib. Prior to that, she had been sleeping with me off and on because I realized that when she slept with me, she slept for longer periods of time.

• On the other hand, Piper literally slept with me for more than a year. Even though she would start out the night in her crib, I was often too lazy to even attempt to put her back in because of how tired I was. When she cried, I'd simply pick her up, nurse her and go back to sleep with her next to me. She started sleeping through the night somewhere around her first birthday and by 15 months of age, she was sleeping in a twin bed with a bed rail. (I'm still reasonably pleased with myself for figuring out that after all that time sleeping in a bed, it was only understandable that she would prefer a bed to a crib.)

• I semi-discovered babywearing while Heidi was tiny, but I did not invest in a high quality carrier. It was some sling type thing that served a small purpose, but it wasn't my favorite. When I got pregnant with Piper, I knew I would need one so I could give myself the advantage of having two hands pushing a shopping cart or just around the house. I invested in a Connecta and never looked back. I wore Piper almost all the time, especially after we first moved here and she couldn't walk with us to the canal yet. Eventually, I started wearing Heidi in the Connecta as well, but she was already well into toddler-hood by the time that happened.

Why is all of this important?

Well, when I looked at this question, I began to look at the differences I see between Heidi and Piper and relate them to their different upbringings. Yes, I am fully aware that they are two different people and any difference between them could simply be due to that fact, but I know that 'nature' cannot account for 100% of a person's traits. It is with those eyes that I look at Heidi and Piper and see differences that I feel I could have changed.

• Since before Heidi was a year old, she has utilized a blanket to fall asleep. She also requests a blanket whenever she is crying, even if I'm holding her. My one saving grace is that it's never the same blanket, but the idea that my comfort alone is not enough for her sometimes is disheartening. Piper has no need for trinkets of any kind.

• I have noticed a general sense of insecurity in Heidi that I do not see in Piper. It's hard for me to describe, especially without you knowing her or having ever been in her presence so you'll just have to trust me. I see this insecurity in her throughout the day, manifesting in her whines and cries for various things. Again, I know this certainly could be age-related, but when I see such a vast difference in Piper, I feel it's something more.

I hate to think that I might have wronged one of my children in some way that will affect how she is in the future. I know that I cannot blame myself for not knowing the benefits of something like co-sleeping until well into Piper's first year, but I can't help but wonder if Heidi would have been different had I breastfed her for at least her entire first year, worn her often and had her sleep with me for as long as she wanted.

I don't know how to fix this.

My one glimmer of hope is that Heidi has now started waking up in the middle of the night and coming into our bed with us. Then she'll sleep as usual until the morning, but at least she's getting a new chance to feel the comfort and stability of the family bed. Plus, I do wear her from time to time, occasionally at home and when carts for two children are unavailable.

This is the big question: What can I do to turn this around? 

Have you done things differently with multiple children? Did you notice a difference between them?

Teaching Empathy

Among the many things I am teaching Heidi and Piper on a regular basis, empathy is one that I am currently focusing on more than others. Of all things that they could be learning right now (especially Heidi), I believe this to be one of the most important. Therefore, at every opportunity (that I remember) I use the following verbiage as education:

"Heidi, that was so nice of you to give Piper that toy! Look at her face; do you see how happy she is? She loves playing with that. That was a wonderful thing for you to do."

"Piper is very upset. Do you see how she's crying? You know how you cry when you get upset? That's how it feels for her."

"Thank you for helping me with that. I felt really good when I had your help."

"It hurts the plant when you do that. Please be more careful when you're touching it."

Yes, I have recently started adding foliage and plant life to my "daily" empathy lessons. Why? Every plant, bush, tree and flower is a living entity with energy. If it is a live, I believe it can feel on some level. This is what I was taught throughout my childhood as my mother helped me to feel the energy of every plant we worked with in our garden and to respect its life. I feel this is absolutely as important as teaching both of them to respect each other, other people and animals because we all inhabit the same space and are therefore entwined.

An image comes to mind whenever I think of this and I hope to someday put it to paper, hang it on a prominent wall in my home and point it out to my children at every opportunity possible.
Picture a man standing on the ground. Next to him stands a lion, dog, elephant, giraffe, horse or whatever animal you feel particularly fond of (and even more importantly, those you don't). Also next to him you find trees, flowers and other plants, all in a line. One does not overlap the other and no one stands higher than another. We all stand on the same ground. The trees take root in the ground above it and below it, just as the plants do. The lion, elephant, dog, and horse also stand on the same ground the plants receive life from and the man, woman or gender neutral human-like being also stands on that same ground. So you see, we are no different. Therefore, how can we not relate to all of them?

We feel empathy because we are alive. Human. Yet the same energy that makes us alive also makes the flowers and the snakes and the sharks alive. We are one and it's time we all started acting like it.

Teach empathy.

Who They Will Be

Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Philosophy

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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It wasn’t until I read the topic for this month’s Carnival of Natural Parenting that I began to think about the qualities I hope my children possess as adults. I try to remain focused on the present as much as possible, to be in this moment at all times, but just this once it might be fun to visualize my adult children and how wonderful they will be. This list serves two purposes: it will show myself and all of you what my most cherished values are as well as help me keep my own behavior in check so I know if I am properly teaching these qualities to my children.

1. Empathy: In my earliest memories, I remember feeling empathy for others: friends, my mother, animals and the planet. It has remained one of the qualities I cherish most in myself and others, which is why it’s at the top of my list. I even used empathy as part of a research study I completed as an undergraduate. It is this quality that I try to emphasize over all others in my children because I think it paves the way for everything else. As adults, I would like to see my children practicing empathy with everyone they meet and have relationships with.

2. Gratitude: It’s no secret that I believe gratitude is important and there isn’t a moment that goes by during the day when I do not say ‘thank you’ to one of my children for whatever they are doing. It is literally at the end of nearly every sentence I speak to them and most other people I come in contact with. When you approach a person or situation from a state of gratitude, like love, you acknowledge and validate the individual or experience as having value and purpose.

3. Respect: I never want my children to feel as though they are not respected. On the same token, I also do not ever want to be the brunt of disrespect from them. In my own life, though I may have had many disagreements with my mother, I have never spoken poorly to her nor about her behind her back. Yes, sometimes things she says or does may annoy me, but I refrain from making nasty comments because it is not in me to speak ill of her. She is my mother and that position demands the utmost respect. In the same manner, I hope to inspire these feelings within my children so that I am not only respected by them, but they also respect themselves, others and our planet.

4. Responsibility: Although I mean it in every sense of the word, in this instance I am greatly referring to responsibility for our planet and all things that go along with that. They will grow up using cloth rags for cleaning and when they start menstruating, I will purchase each of them cloth pads in their choice of fabrics. When the time comes, I hope that they will also choose to cloth diaper their children, grow gardens to feed their families and choose the more ecologically responsible option whenever possible. I hope to inspire them to feel responsible for the Earth and to treat every inch of it as if it were the structures they reside in. It is home.

5. Compassion: True, honest compassion is often very hard to come by. People look upon one another with disdain and assume the worst in most cases without ever considering the events or circumstances that led up to the present. I always want them to respond to situations and people from a state of love and compassion, just as I strive to respond to them from the same state every moment of every day. While it may not always be possible, I hope that they will grow up knowing this as the standard for living and make every attempt to retain this practice their entire lives.

While this list is not entirely comprehensive of every quality I hope to instill in my children, it does get across the major points of my parenting philosophy. Without knowing it, I decided I would parent this way a long time before I had children, never knowing it was actually considered ‘attachment parenting.’ I believe in this way of behaving towards my children because it feels right to me and I cannot imagine going about this journey in any other manner. I look forward to the adults my children will become, knowing that the groundwork I lay here and now will not only benefit them and myself but everyone who chooses to walk in and out of their lives.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly — Mamma Earthly at Give an Earthly discusses the fear factor in parenting and how she overcame it, despite societal pressures.
• really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.
• Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured's parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).
• First Year Reflections — As her daughter's first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.
• Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.
• How to be a Lazy Parent and Still Raise Great Kids — Lisa at Granola Catholic talks about how being a Lazy Parent has helped her to raise Great Kids.
• Philosophy in Practice — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how her heart shaped the parenting philosophy in her home.
• What is Attachment Parenting Anyway? — Gaby at Tmuffin describes the challenges of putting a label on her parenting philosophy.
• Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.
• Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.
• Maintaining Spirituality in the Midst of Everyday Parenting, Marriage, and Life — Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured shares her perspective on finding opportunities for spiritual growth in every day life.
• Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom's parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.
• Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.
• Connection, Communication, Compassion — She's come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.
• My Parenting Inspirations - Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.
• A Parenting Philosophy in One Word: Respect — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction summarizes her parenting and relationship philosophy in one word: respect.
• Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It's the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.
• THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter's life.
• On Children — "Your children are not your children," say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.
• This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.
• Enjoying life and planning for a bright future — Olivia at Write About Birth shares her most important parenting dilemmas and pours out her heart about past trauma and how healing made her a better parent.
• My Parenting Philosophy: Unconditional and Natural Love — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about her parenting philosophy from a year of following her instincts as a mama.
• An open letter to my children — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine writes an open letter to her children.

• My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she's using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.
• Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.
• Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.
• Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it's important for her daughter's growth.
• What's a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.
• grown-up anxieties. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life explains her lone worry concerning her babies growing up.
• Why I Used Montessori Principles in My Parenting Philosophy — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells why she chose Montessori principles to help her now-adult children develop qualities she wanted to see in them as children and adults.
• Parenting Philosophies & Planning for the Future — Momma Jorje considers that the future is maybe just a fringe benefit of doing what feels right now.
• Not Just Getting Through — Rachael at The Variegated Life asks what truths she hopes to express even in the most commonplace interactions with her son.
• Parenting Philosophy? Eh... — Ana at Pandamoly shares the philosophy (or lack thereof) being employed to (hopefully) raise a respectful, loving, and responsible child.
• Parenting Philosophy: Being Present — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the changes her family has made to accommodate their parenting philosophy and to reflect their ideals as working parents.
• Who They Will Be — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a short list of some qualities she hopes she is instilling in her children at this very moment.
• Short Term vs. Long Term — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts how long term parenting goals often get lost in the details of everyday life with two kids.
• Parenting Philosophy: Practicing and Nurturing Peace — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle sets personal goals for developing greater peace.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 1: The Yamas — In part 1 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie guest posts at Natural Parents Network about how the Yoga Sutras provide a framework for her parenting philosophy.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 2: The Niyamas — In part 2 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie explores how the Niyamas (one of the eight limbs in traditional Yoga) help her maintain her parenting and life focus.
• Our Sample Parenting Plan — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shares hopes of who her children will become and parenting strategies she employs to get them there.
• Philosophical Parenting: Letting Go — Jona at Life, Intertwined ponders the notion that there's no right answer when it comes to parenting.
• Unphilosophizing? — jessica at instead of institutions wonders about the usefulness of navel gazing.
• Parenting Sensitively — Amy at Anktangle uses her sensitivity to mother her child in ways that both nurture and affirm.
• how to nurture your relationships — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes that sometimes all kids need is a jolly good listening to …
• Philosophy Of An Unnatural Parent — Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum sees parenting as a process of guiding her children to develop the skills they'll need.
• Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child.
• Flying by the Seat of My Pants — Heather at Very Nearly Hippy has realized that she has no idea what she's doing.

No, She Can't Count to Ten

Recently, we visited the pediatrician for Heidi's 2.5 year check-up. Aside from the excessive questions about why I don't give my children milk, one part of the conversation stuck out for me, enough that it is still bothering me to this moment.

Pediatrician: "Can she count to at least ten?"
Me: "Um...no...She has counted up to as much as six before, but, um.. no."
Pediatrician: "Does she know her colors?"
Me: "Uh..she's doing a lot better with them...she has been picking them out a lot more recently..."
Me: "But she knows a lot of other things...She can recognize most animals, even ones like elephants and zebras..."
Pediatrician: "OK..."

I have many problems with this, obviously, but before I get into that, here are some of the things Heidi does know (or can do):

- She knows the difference between an airplane and a helicopter, recognizes trains, bridges, cars, trucks, jeeps, motorcycles and especially garbage trucks.
- She can identify most animals, including (but not limited to) cats, dogs, birds, frogs, turtles, fish, elephants, giraffes, horses, cows, ducks, chickens, geese, crabs, bears and bugs (yes, I know they're not technically animals...)
- She has known all her body parts for well over a year now.
- She knows that sitting in the driver's seat of the car, she should put the key in the ignition. Yes, this is so thrilling to me.
- She has know that a key is used to unlock a door for well over a year, despite me saying anything to her about it.
- When she pees in her diaper, she takes it off and puts it in the laundry room. (This makes more sense if you know that we cloth diaper.)
- She says, "Thank you" for almost everything and is starting to also add "Please" and "No, Thank You" to her repertoire.
- She loves to "cook." In fact, this is how 80%+ of her play pans out. (No pun intended.) She usually "makes" soup, dishes it out on to various "plates" and serves it to all of us complete with spoons.
- She understands 'Canal etiquette,' meaning she automatically moves aside to allow other people to pass when we are walking there (e.g. bikers, runners).
- When playing with other children (not Piper) she is always polite enough to give them back their toys when they get upset about sharing.
- She knows the moon, stars, sun, rain and wind and has now started telling me when it's light or dark outside and when it's raining.
- She loves to draw with any medium she is given. She is also particularly fond of gluing things into a collage and wiping the glue all over herself.
- She is intensely musical. She dances and sings every day, plays one of the various instruments we have (harmonicas, recorders, drums) and loves movies with music in them. I don't ever want this passion to be stifled.

I'm currently taking a class at my church and this past Sunday, one thing spoken by the teacher really struck me (though I unfortunately must paraphrase because I didn't write it down).

If you give a child blocks with letters on them, the child has infinite possibilities. When you teach them to spell, their possibilities are suddenly limited, restricted. This is how I feel about Heidi "knowing her numbers and colors." Right now, she has endless possibility in her life. She has the rest of her life to conform to the rules society imposes on her and know the things she's "supposed to know." I will not limit her potential (yet) with these finite rules.

Often, when I ask her what a specific color is, she says, "color." It wasn't until just the other day that it hit me just how ingenious this is. Of course it's color! Does knowing which color it is make the finger paint any squishier in her fingers? Does it make the markers any more fun to play with or the crayons any less vibrant? If there were no names for colors, would we know their distinctions any less? It is color; it doesn't have to be anything else.

So no, my daughter can't count to ten because my daughter is limitless.

She Remembers

This revelation hit me less like a ton of bricks and more like a stream that changed into a rushing flood: Heidi remembers.

The other day, Heidi pointed to a picture of a girl on a bike (in a pamphlet) and said "Look! It's Anne!" ("Anne," as I shall call her, is a little girl who lives diagonally across from us and is close to Heidi's age.) I said, "Yeah, that does look like her!" but in my head my thoughts were churning. I have been noticing gradual evidence of Heidi's working brain for some time now, of course, but for some reason after this moment I really began to realize what this means.

"So what?" you say? I'll tell you what.

Up until now, the mistakes I have made as a mother could be shrugged off with the thought that she probably won't remember them. I still recall my earliest memories of toddling into my parents' bedroom to get into bed with them and some time later, asking my mother where Daddy went. They divorced when I was two. She is now two and a half; what will she remember?


Will she remember the last time I was angry when I yelled at her because she wasn't asleep yet? (Silly when you read it.)

Will she remember how I get annoyed with her sometimes because she "takes too long" when we're walking into the house? (Why am I in such a hurry?)

Will she remember the last time I chose to finish what I was doing instead of picking her up when she really wanted me to? (Why is everything else so important?)

It scares me to think that she might remember the negative things in our life over the positive ones, but this fear has also inspired me to make each positive moment we have more over the top. For a long time now, I've made it a point to make each of my children laugh every day, but now I make sure that I give them many moments of pure, individual attention. I also actively work to make sure that there are more positive moments than negative ones over the course of the day. If we have a period of disconnect, I try to follow it up with an equally long time of happiness, giggling and playfulness.


Is that going to be enough to combat the negativity that has already appeared so many times in her short life? Something tells me it is, but only if I actively work to make it so. This is a challenge for me, but only because I am so afraid of the negative moments and the negative impact they could have sometimes, I'm afraid to do anything at all.

What do you do to balance negative and positive moments in parenting?

I Need to Stop Whining

In the not too distant past, I read an article discussing the ever so pleasing act of whining among children. It stated (in so many words) that if your children start whining, you need to stop whining. After all, they had to learn it from somewhere and it is most likely that they learned it from you. Now, I like to look in the metaphorical mirror as much as the next guy, but I never thought I would be doing it because of whining. Much to my dismay, Heidi has started whining so I am now faced with the challenge of seeking out my own whining and stopping it.

At first, I had no idea where it was coming from. But then one day, I noticed. Here's what I do:
"Heiiidiiiiiii....pleeease don't do that!" [insert whiny voice here]

Yikes! Do I really whine when I tell her not to do something? Am I whining right now? No, absolutely not because I fully intend to change this bad pattern of behavior. How am I going to do this? Let me be the first to tell you - I don't know.

As with most other things, I have found that acknowledging and recognizing where the problem is to be an excellent help. I can now consciously alter the tone of my voice when I am kindly asking Heidi not to do something and actually make it more of a "command" than a whine. Or at least a "normal" voice.

This is harder than I thought it would be.

I NEVER considered myself to be a whiner (except when I was purposely exaggerating) and yet I notice this tone of voice a lot as I'm speaking throughout the day. How did this happen and what does it mean? I need some time to explore this further, but I have a few thoughts to share right now.

Perhaps I lack self-confidence. If I was confident about what I was saying, I would say it with conviction.

Perhaps I don't really feel like an authority figure so what I say is never definite enough. I think there is a part of me that fears becoming "the disciplinarian" and not being liked as much because of it. But I don't want to go down that road.

Could it also be that I am intentionally being 'wishy-washy' so that I don't have to live with the consequences of what I say and instead place the responsibility on my child for the decision she makes?

Is this affecting how my children view me as a parent?

As I said, I'm not really sure about this, but I will be thinking on it for as long as it takes now. I know I need to start being mindful of this and that is what I'm going to do. I hope I will have a positive update for you in the future.

How I Stopped Saying No

This would be flour.

First of all, I know this title is misleading. I don't think you can ever stop saying, "No" totally because it can be pertinent in many situations, e.g. your child running out into the street, your child putting a live grenade in her mouth, your child voting for Ron Paul...just kidding.

I used to say "No" all the time when talking to Heidi because I never thought there was an alternative, nor did I think it was a problem. When I started researching different parenting methods and started being more mindful about what I say and do to and with my children, I realized that there are many ways to say "No" that are more effective and serve to strengthen the parent/child relationship, not weaken it. Please remember that this is a process; don't expect too much from yourself immediately and try not to get down on yourself if you slip up. I think you will see a noticeable difference in your child almost immediately though. 

One of the easiet alternatives to actually saying "no" is to use gibberish. This is the perfect stepping stone because you are still allowing something to come out of your mouth (the way you are used to saying "no"), but it is not something negative.Another positive effect of this method is that it may cause both you and your child to crack a smile or start laughing. This will break any tension that was building and help lift your own mood so you can go back to being a conscientious parent.

Another strategy is to say "No" in your head and continue the rest of your sentence out loud. Here are a few examples:
"No! Don't touch that!"
"No! You can't have that now!"
"No! We are not going to Alcatraz!"
In each of these instances, you can forcefully say "No!" to yourself and then speak the meat of what you actually wanted to say. You might even start finding that when you say "No!" in your head, the rest of your sentence comes out a lot calmer than you thought it would. You will soon start to realize that you don't even need to say "No" because your sentence is completely sufficient. And, you'll really start to have a better relationship with your child.

When all else fails, don't say anything at all. Pause for that moment when you want to yell and scream, bite your lip and do whatever it takes to stay silent. Sometimes, the situation will resolve itself. When it doesn't, you will again be calmer than you would have if you let the "word vomit" leave your mouth and you might even come up with a more appropriate thing to say to your child once the heat of the moment has dissipated.

The most compelling argument I have for you is this: Think about the way you speak to strangers, acquaintances and *most* co-workers.  Do you generally afford them a degree of courtesy, kindness and respect? Why then, should you treat your child, with whom you spend nearly every waking moment, any differently? If your child has "behaviour problems," stop for a moment to assess the way you speak to her. As I remind myself every day, I must treat my children the way I want them to treat me.